May We Never Lose Our Wonder

I've been learning a lot about my heart in the last few weeks.

Maybe it's a 2015 thing, or maybe it's a new found clarity thing, but in any case, I have come to know a change that has revealed in me a different kind of life.
I have begun to live in a way that I can only explain as "free."
Free to have fun, free to express joy, free to take risks, free to let my gifts and talents be known, free to feel emotions, free to acknowledge fears, free to go on dates, free, indeed, to suffer even.

I must mention that I'm trying desperately not to treat this as a rental and something which will be given back; but rather, as something to be kept as my own and instilled as constant.

And I've just had this knowingness draped across my heart most especially while at Rise Up.
While again!..falling in love with the Lord.

To have truth and encouragement well up obviously in my eyes as sweet tears that roll down my cheeks as if to say, "finally, your heart knows."

And in those moments I remember that I am worthy.

I'm pondering an idea I have never even thought before...
           'Actually, it's ok to succeed.'
It has never occurred to me, that without being the bad kind of "righteous" ..it's ok to win, and it's ok to do well. (Especially in school.)
It sounds dumb to say this in a place that's not inside of my head. I should know this by now though. Most of the fears inside my mind are irrational when spoken out loud.


Back to freedom:
Like every significant thing in life (happiness, love, joy...), living freely is a choice.
It's a constant battle of the mind and heart to let go of control and give it to God, it's a battle of giving up worry to the capable hands of the One who will never disappoint, and it's a battle of choosing to accept mercy into the darkest places of my heart.

It's hard to receive. For me, it means I have to accept that I am weak. I am. But I am also worthy.

But, mentored by grace, I have come to this beautiful conclusion that I can live freely because I serve a God that will take care of me in all things.
And so, as the chains are slowly broken, I am ok, and I am free to live whether it be in success, in joy, or in suffering.