I Want To Live My Whole Life With a Sense of Abandon

I am so incredibly overwhelmed with the amount of love that has been filling my heart these last few days. Tomorrow I leave to embark on the greatest of journeys that life has taken me on thus far.
All I ever wanted to do was grow up and be old enough to apply for a ministry like NET. Now I feel so young, so small.
I'm convicted completely by my faith. I've allowed my heart to be captured in God's love and I am fulfilled.
To look back now and remember the feeling of insecurity and fear that overtook my whole entire self...I just have to thank God for the people He has put in my life to support me. Heaven knows I'm bad with words. Heaven knows I'm bad with emotions (or lack there of, recently). But, wow. Am I ever thankful! How these last few months have flown by!! You think raising $6000 will never happen, and then before you know it, you've raised more than that much.

I'm feeling anxious, nervous, and fearless all at the same time. All my worries have melted away, all my dreams have become realities.
The adventure has begun, but it's so far from over.
In some moments, I feel like a single drop in the ocean (randomly inserted song lyrics: "we are His portion and He is our prize, drawn to redemption by grace in His eyes, if grace is an ocean, then we're all sinking...")
Mother Teresa always spoke of the image of how she was but a pen in the hand of God.

"Do what makes your heart sing..that is where you are meant to be."

The amount of times I catch myself staring at your face is actually embarrassing.

Give Your Heart a Break

What if those traits I don't find attractive in other people are really just a reflection of those traits I find un-attractive and un-admirable in myself?
For example: I don't like people who are attention-seeking, and yet many times, I myself am that exact way. I don't like people who think the only way is their way, and yet I caught myself being that exact way just today. I don't, at all, like when a person says something negative about themselves just so that the people around them will say the opposite in affirmation.

I'll be honest, it actually frustrates me. But what frustrates me is that I am so AWARE of the fact that I possess all these qualities but I am constantly fighting to change them daily.
How much I am humbled when my first reaction is to entertain the judgement that is automatically passed in my mind when someone does something of said nature..and then I realize that I too, at some point, have done the same. THAT is the frustrating part of it all.

I don't want to be angry about such a dumb thing, but I am. I don't want other people to mess up and I don't want myself to mess up.
Yes, I realize that last statement was even dumber.

Contrary to this mess I've created, I like myself. I just don't like seeing my own flaws in other people. I guess I'm probably the same as everyone else because, if you were to think about it, who really does like to be made aware of their flaws? I secretly like the bliss that ignorance creates. But I don't like that I like that.

Sigh...

Where Are You Christmas?

Today, after my usual busy 7:30am-3pm shift, I sat in the cafe and wrote thank you card after thank you card expressing my gratitude and appreciation for people's generosity towards supporting my year on NET. After about two hours, I finally allowed my body to relax and meet the back of the chair. With an aching back and a cramped hand, I couldn't help but be completely overwhelmed (as I have been many times during this entire NET process) by people's love, support, and encouragement and how each piece of this puzzle has fallen exactly into place where it was destined to lay.

As I looked around the store, intricately decorated to promote joy and market cheer, I thought about Christmas. How can it be, that the tiniest of babies, born in the humblest of stables, wrapped in swaddling clothes and laid gently in a manger could have captured the angel Gabriel's attention who would implore the help of a star to which the wise men would follow to come bearing gifts for the vulnerable and helpless babe.
You know that song Where Are You Christmas? I think that we've found it, if we only look to the reason for the season. Christmas is found in the person at the drive thru window who pays for the person behind them causing a chain reaction of this random act of kindness for half an hour or longer. Christmas is found in the boy shovelling the elderly neighbour's walk way. Christmas is found by the packed churches that draw some kind of a special appeal for all those Christmas and Easter mass goer's. Christmas is found in the countless charities providing for the less fortunate. Christmas, in some strange sort of way, is found in the line ups at the mall of people who put their own wants on hold to exercise a generous heart for all their dear loved ones.

We love because Christ loved us first.

As My Peppermint Mocha Candle Burns in the Backgroud

I'm just so inspired to write...something I haven't been for months!
I don't even have anything to write about, except for the fact that I've determined the cause of my fascination with owls. I think it's because I am, without a bit of a doubt, a night person.
I don't even get how that works...how is it that I have all this random pent up energy from the day to use all night long? That doesn't even make sense to me. But in any case..I did clean my room! Oh boy did it ever need to be done! And there's still so much more I could do, but I keep remembering that I work at 7:30am tomorrow. (Ugh, not a morning person even when I try.) although I desperately waaant to do it now..I think I'll tuck myself into bed and attempt to sleep.
Here's the thing though..I've always wanted to be one of those girls who has a cute, uncluttered, personally designed room that is something they take pride in cleaning making their own, but I've never ever managed to keep my room clean for longer than a week no matter how hard I try.
This is the most boring topic ever, but I've just come to understand that in my life, if my room is messy, the entire production and productivity of my life just stops.
When my room gets messy, my life gets messy....
(Realization #2, after the owl thing: I am a weirdo)
I just want to stop being embarrassed when my friends come over and a) I either have the messiest room of life or b) do a quick tidy where nothing even looks clean at all anyways.
I'm super the same way with the family van that I drive.....so messy!

Conclusion #3 WHY IN THE WORLD AM I SO MESSY and how do I make myself take pride in my own things.
Don't get me wrong, I'm am excessively grateful for everything that I have, but I just don't even know..maybe this is something ill grow out of?

Most pointless post ever? Maybe, but I think I feel better anyways and if I haven't worked myself up t of much, I think I might actually be tired now. Goodnight.

Let My Love Be Loud.

I'm not sure where to even start. This weekend was seriously the best. I just have actually the most beautiful friends in the whole wide WORLD! But also, to start off..the grade 10 retreat at camp went so well! It happened to be the world's most back to basic for of evangelization and sharing our faith with students who literally had no faith. I have never been so inspired by the young souls of this generation. The team and I had to remind ourselves that although it was a huge challenge, we were just planting the seeds.

Then there was Edmonton. Just...I can't even handle how amazing Maria and Alicia are in my life. It's actually just the most incredible feeling to know that there are people out there who you will never get tired of, never grow un-fond of, never forget, and never ever ever take their friendship for granted.

I've decided to just be in Denial until the day I leave because saying goodbye is actually really hard..no one mentioned this part!

Fundraising and writing thank you cards and being ridiculously overwhelmed by people's generosity has been my life for the past how many months? Like 3 maybe. It was those times when it was exactly that, "overwhelming" when I remembered seeing other people do similar things and thinking that it was my biggest dream in life to do exactly what they were doing. What I'm doing now is literally living my dream!
F i f t e e n d a y s #australiabound