Standing Room Only

Standing room only. This was the reality at the church tonight for Holy Thursday.

When leading music, many, many things are on my mind...nerves, excitement, I'm drowning in sheet music, does everyone have the same version of the songs, are the mics working, why aren't the mics working, did we pray, drink water, oh I forgot to tell the sound people something, for the hundredth time - the order of the song is this.. , adjust mic stand, adjust mic stand again, and again, what intention am I bring to this Mass, man the pews are filling up, I forget everything, bathroom? no time, pray, breathe. To name a few. Really, I'm not trying to be dramatic, it's actually like this. 

But then Mass began and let me tell you, the possibility of hearing ourselves over the congregation was beautifully non-existent. Wait..a congregation that sings out loud?! Yes, they exist! 

For some reason I thought beforehand that Jesus' example of washing His disciples' feet would be what my heart pondered on, and then that I would spend the Mass praying for eyes to see opportunities in my life that contained the lowest, most insignificant occasions for service (in true wanting-to-be-like-Jesus fashion).  Though this is a beautiful and admirable thing to want, God, out-doing me in the "things I think I need" department, had another thing coming. 
Today instead, I was completely overwhelmed by the people that occupied every pew and lean-able wall space. They hadn't come to see me, (though they did see me and I was painfully aware of it) but no, they had come to see the Lord. They had come to sit around the table of the Last Supper. To hear His word, to have their feet washed, to adore, to worship, to receive, to sing.   

With each sit, stand, and kneel, we as a community were brought closer to the words that would make bread and wine the very presence of our atoning Saviour. 

The anticipation in my heart was, well, a lot and this is where that "completely overwhelmed" part I mentioned before comes in. What I mean is: inspired, so in awe, and convicted by the faith of the faithful, to the point of, well, not holding it together. How could I hold it together though when my harmonies were being exchanged with the melody of the congregation, my community and family, inviting me to "come as you are" broken and worn out and to "fall in His arms."  

In all my time of choosing songs for Mass, I can't stop being amazed at how the Holy Spirit works in the song list even months in advance. Tonight, for example: to sing the words that invite us to come as we are whether full-hearted, empty-hearted, hurt, wounded, sinful, joyful, tired, nervous, in my case - a dramatic mess of emotion...but then, then to offer the song Here's My Heart. Together we proclaimed often forgotten truths that, "I am healed;" "I am loved;" "I am Yours;" "You are good," and so here's my heart, Lord. 

Again, no, I did not could not hold it together. I'll admit I sang at the top of my lungs (here's hoping sound people turned me down!)  


So, with a full (and exhausted from being so full) heart, bring on Holy Week!

One final thing to ponder forever:

May We Never Lose Our Wonder

I've been learning a lot about my heart in the last few weeks.

Maybe it's a 2015 thing, or maybe it's a new found clarity thing, but in any case, I have come to know a change that has revealed in me a different kind of life.
I have begun to live in a way that I can only explain as "free."
Free to have fun, free to express joy, free to take risks, free to let my gifts and talents be known, free to feel emotions, free to acknowledge fears, free to go on dates, free, indeed, to suffer even.

I must mention that I'm trying desperately not to treat this as a rental and something which will be given back; but rather, as something to be kept as my own and instilled as constant.

And I've just had this knowingness draped across my heart most especially while at Rise Up.
While again!..falling in love with the Lord.

To have truth and encouragement well up obviously in my eyes as sweet tears that roll down my cheeks as if to say, "finally, your heart knows."

And in those moments I remember that I am worthy.

I'm pondering an idea I have never even thought before...
           'Actually, it's ok to succeed.'
It has never occurred to me, that without being the bad kind of "righteous" ..it's ok to win, and it's ok to do well. (Especially in school.)
It sounds dumb to say this in a place that's not inside of my head. I should know this by now though. Most of the fears inside my mind are irrational when spoken out loud.


Back to freedom:
Like every significant thing in life (happiness, love, joy...), living freely is a choice.
It's a constant battle of the mind and heart to let go of control and give it to God, it's a battle of giving up worry to the capable hands of the One who will never disappoint, and it's a battle of choosing to accept mercy into the darkest places of my heart.

It's hard to receive. For me, it means I have to accept that I am weak. I am. But I am also worthy.

But, mentored by grace, I have come to this beautiful conclusion that I can live freely because I serve a God that will take care of me in all things.
And so, as the chains are slowly broken, I am ok, and I am free to live whether it be in success, in joy, or in suffering.