Bewildered Thoughts & Self Relfection

Oh hey there always dreaming, confused, stupid, beautiful, gullible, overdramatic heart...

The degree to which I feel is unreal. Just everything, ten times over. Two nights ago I had a stupid dream about a stupid boy. However stupid..my heart returns to a place I don't want to fight.

Being nearly the only one in a coffee shop with pouring rain outside is my idea of absolute bliss. I don't know what it is, but it soothes my soul.

There are not nearly enough hours in a day to accomplish all that I'd like or should.
I already know that I have a hard time saying no to people and opportunities...if I'm asked to help with something, I've noticed that I very validated and needed in it. To a fault though, because I take on too much.
The thing is - I don't even like people that take on so many things that they can only complete them adequately, but not necessarily well. I don't even hang out with those people . . . yet, I am one. And if there's anything I know about myself, it's that when things get too much and I'm overwhelmed, my only coping method is to ignore it all and wish desperately for it to go away.  Not because I don't love it, but because the stress of being relied on is far more than I can handle.

I'd say that I'm versatile and that my talents are transferable between many of life's situations. Too many at the same time.

Creativity is the concept that makes me love and cherish the abstract things of life, but at the same time, is the cause of turing my whole world inside out and my plans into complete oblivion, which I mostly despise.

I wonder if I'll ever move away from St. Peter's..I feel like my settlement is here. The kind of settling a married couple starting a family would do. Except, you know, I'm not married. Marry the church? problem solved. I don't know..



Sigh. Still trying to find my place amongst this mess that, despite my best efforts, I cannot contain in a nice box with a big bow.
I'd very much like to simplify. Live scandalously by moving slowly through the rush and quietly through the noise.


St. Thérèse, Little Flower, simple in all things and proficient in love and purpose, pray for me.

I'm at Family Life...I just brushed my teeth with beer instead of water cause I didn't have any. What?

Create In Me A Clean Heart

I've noticed. 

I've noticed how long this has gone on for and how my heart lingers on you, still with absolutely no certainty. 

Who are you really? Because I think I'm in love with the idea of who I think you are..or who you could become. 

I'm a contradiction of my standards and come dangerously close to throwing them all away for you. 

I know that wouldn't cause satisfaction, ultimately. 

But really, what do I know. 

What do I know of navigating beyond my safe shores into the depths of feelings, and emotions, and God's will, and truth, and loneliness, and stubbornness, and spontaneity? 

I know nothing except that this is something...

....unless I go on pretending it's nothing. 

I Dreamed a Dream of Times Gone By

Tonight I was ready to cry in public. 

Singing at St. Peter's is something I've cried over before...when I was ten years old. We had just moved into the parish and I was ballistic over the fact that there was a children's choir. Well, my heart was set - the first thing I was going to do was join that choir. 

I cried when I showed up at the beginning of practice with my mom and was told I couldn't join. 

It was mid-way through December and too close to Christmas for me to learn all of the songs they had been practicing. 

Needless to say, first thing after Christmas, I joined the children's choir. I enjoyed every second of it. I was bold and unashamed of standing out. I sang many solos and, given the chance, I would have volunteered it sing them all. 

After years, my time in that choir was over, and the demand birthed the St. Peter's youth choir. Besides some confusion of direction and vision - as is expected with an idea that comes from passion and not a ton of thought - I absolutely loved going to choir. I loved being able to push the boundaries of liturgical music ministry into a more youthful and charismatic adventure. I loved that the youth found a beautiful place of service. I loved being passionate about something. I loved the experience of recording a professional CD.

This choir is what I think kept me coming to mass every week with out fail during my "discovering myself" adolescent years in which mass moves from being an expectation to being a choice. 

Then I went away to australia. 

This is where things change leading to tonight..

The anyone-can-join mentalitied youth choir took a different direction into what it is now. To encourage commitment and a higher standard of music (and, I'm sure, other motives that are not completely clear to me), the choir became an audition-only band. 

They're very good and an incredibly talented group made up of my closest friends in the community.

I guess that's what makes it so hard. I have a problem in my heart with the exclusive nature of the group (#thereisaidit), but everything passionate inside of me aches to be able to sing for the Lord. 

Just like that bright-eyed ten year old girl, my heart is set. 

I don't know what to do.