I Want To Live My Whole Life With a Sense of Abandon

I am so incredibly overwhelmed with the amount of love that has been filling my heart these last few days. Tomorrow I leave to embark on the greatest of journeys that life has taken me on thus far.
All I ever wanted to do was grow up and be old enough to apply for a ministry like NET. Now I feel so young, so small.
I'm convicted completely by my faith. I've allowed my heart to be captured in God's love and I am fulfilled.
To look back now and remember the feeling of insecurity and fear that overtook my whole entire self...I just have to thank God for the people He has put in my life to support me. Heaven knows I'm bad with words. Heaven knows I'm bad with emotions (or lack there of, recently). But, wow. Am I ever thankful! How these last few months have flown by!! You think raising $6000 will never happen, and then before you know it, you've raised more than that much.

I'm feeling anxious, nervous, and fearless all at the same time. All my worries have melted away, all my dreams have become realities.
The adventure has begun, but it's so far from over.
In some moments, I feel like a single drop in the ocean (randomly inserted song lyrics: "we are His portion and He is our prize, drawn to redemption by grace in His eyes, if grace is an ocean, then we're all sinking...")
Mother Teresa always spoke of the image of how she was but a pen in the hand of God.

"Do what makes your heart sing..that is where you are meant to be."

The amount of times I catch myself staring at your face is actually embarrassing.

Give Your Heart a Break

What if those traits I don't find attractive in other people are really just a reflection of those traits I find un-attractive and un-admirable in myself?
For example: I don't like people who are attention-seeking, and yet many times, I myself am that exact way. I don't like people who think the only way is their way, and yet I caught myself being that exact way just today. I don't, at all, like when a person says something negative about themselves just so that the people around them will say the opposite in affirmation.

I'll be honest, it actually frustrates me. But what frustrates me is that I am so AWARE of the fact that I possess all these qualities but I am constantly fighting to change them daily.
How much I am humbled when my first reaction is to entertain the judgement that is automatically passed in my mind when someone does something of said nature..and then I realize that I too, at some point, have done the same. THAT is the frustrating part of it all.

I don't want to be angry about such a dumb thing, but I am. I don't want other people to mess up and I don't want myself to mess up.
Yes, I realize that last statement was even dumber.

Contrary to this mess I've created, I like myself. I just don't like seeing my own flaws in other people. I guess I'm probably the same as everyone else because, if you were to think about it, who really does like to be made aware of their flaws? I secretly like the bliss that ignorance creates. But I don't like that I like that.

Sigh...

Where Are You Christmas?

Today, after my usual busy 7:30am-3pm shift, I sat in the cafe and wrote thank you card after thank you card expressing my gratitude and appreciation for people's generosity towards supporting my year on NET. After about two hours, I finally allowed my body to relax and meet the back of the chair. With an aching back and a cramped hand, I couldn't help but be completely overwhelmed (as I have been many times during this entire NET process) by people's love, support, and encouragement and how each piece of this puzzle has fallen exactly into place where it was destined to lay.

As I looked around the store, intricately decorated to promote joy and market cheer, I thought about Christmas. How can it be, that the tiniest of babies, born in the humblest of stables, wrapped in swaddling clothes and laid gently in a manger could have captured the angel Gabriel's attention who would implore the help of a star to which the wise men would follow to come bearing gifts for the vulnerable and helpless babe.
You know that song Where Are You Christmas? I think that we've found it, if we only look to the reason for the season. Christmas is found in the person at the drive thru window who pays for the person behind them causing a chain reaction of this random act of kindness for half an hour or longer. Christmas is found in the boy shovelling the elderly neighbour's walk way. Christmas is found by the packed churches that draw some kind of a special appeal for all those Christmas and Easter mass goer's. Christmas is found in the countless charities providing for the less fortunate. Christmas, in some strange sort of way, is found in the line ups at the mall of people who put their own wants on hold to exercise a generous heart for all their dear loved ones.

We love because Christ loved us first.

As My Peppermint Mocha Candle Burns in the Backgroud

I'm just so inspired to write...something I haven't been for months!
I don't even have anything to write about, except for the fact that I've determined the cause of my fascination with owls. I think it's because I am, without a bit of a doubt, a night person.
I don't even get how that works...how is it that I have all this random pent up energy from the day to use all night long? That doesn't even make sense to me. But in any case..I did clean my room! Oh boy did it ever need to be done! And there's still so much more I could do, but I keep remembering that I work at 7:30am tomorrow. (Ugh, not a morning person even when I try.) although I desperately waaant to do it now..I think I'll tuck myself into bed and attempt to sleep.
Here's the thing though..I've always wanted to be one of those girls who has a cute, uncluttered, personally designed room that is something they take pride in cleaning making their own, but I've never ever managed to keep my room clean for longer than a week no matter how hard I try.
This is the most boring topic ever, but I've just come to understand that in my life, if my room is messy, the entire production and productivity of my life just stops.
When my room gets messy, my life gets messy....
(Realization #2, after the owl thing: I am a weirdo)
I just want to stop being embarrassed when my friends come over and a) I either have the messiest room of life or b) do a quick tidy where nothing even looks clean at all anyways.
I'm super the same way with the family van that I drive.....so messy!

Conclusion #3 WHY IN THE WORLD AM I SO MESSY and how do I make myself take pride in my own things.
Don't get me wrong, I'm am excessively grateful for everything that I have, but I just don't even know..maybe this is something ill grow out of?

Most pointless post ever? Maybe, but I think I feel better anyways and if I haven't worked myself up t of much, I think I might actually be tired now. Goodnight.

Let My Love Be Loud.

I'm not sure where to even start. This weekend was seriously the best. I just have actually the most beautiful friends in the whole wide WORLD! But also, to start off..the grade 10 retreat at camp went so well! It happened to be the world's most back to basic for of evangelization and sharing our faith with students who literally had no faith. I have never been so inspired by the young souls of this generation. The team and I had to remind ourselves that although it was a huge challenge, we were just planting the seeds.

Then there was Edmonton. Just...I can't even handle how amazing Maria and Alicia are in my life. It's actually just the most incredible feeling to know that there are people out there who you will never get tired of, never grow un-fond of, never forget, and never ever ever take their friendship for granted.

I've decided to just be in Denial until the day I leave because saying goodbye is actually really hard..no one mentioned this part!

Fundraising and writing thank you cards and being ridiculously overwhelmed by people's generosity has been my life for the past how many months? Like 3 maybe. It was those times when it was exactly that, "overwhelming" when I remembered seeing other people do similar things and thinking that it was my biggest dream in life to do exactly what they were doing. What I'm doing now is literally living my dream!
F i f t e e n d a y s #australiabound

Today it's official.
I've known for so long that I will have the privilege to embark on my biggest and wildest of life's adventure's come January, but today I found out that I won't have to make the 26 hour flight alone. My best friend is coming with me!!!
First of all, this whole "bff" thing is strange to me....me who hasn't had a best friend since grade 10. Just so you're aware, it's not for lack of friends, but rather the blessing of many dear friends that are ALL my best friends. I can't help but think that I'm over thinking this all just because we've put a title on our friendship..it's never had to be like this before and quite frankly, it's just not as big of a deal as I find myself thinking on it more. I just don't want to seclude myself from meeting each and every person with my whole heart! How does a mother love more than one child? I believe, it's because, love is limitless and conditionless in it's purest form. That would make sense then. Limitless and conditionless.
I'm so incredibly excited there are not even words.
I was praying and waiting and hoping on good news for these last two weeks without wanting to impart on God's will for her life, but just, thank you Jesus :) Your timing is never late!

This is my prayer as we set off together:
Lord God,
Humble us, your unworthiest of servants, so that we may be bold witness of Your love throughout each place of our Australian journey.
I pray that we may always seek You with desperation and trust.
To You always be the glory and the honour.
You've called us and set us apart. Liven our faith and let our joy of evangelization be an outpouring of our hearts of love for You.
My God, we love You, praise You, and thank You.
Amen

The Room by Joshua Harris - Joshua Harris

The Room by Joshua Harris - Joshua Harris
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I Have Liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.
And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed."
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I Have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed At." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger," "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.
An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.
I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?
Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
"No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.
He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."
I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.
By Joshua Harris. Orginally published in New Attitude Magazine. Copyright New Attitude, 1995. You have permission to reprint this in any form. We only ask that you include the appropriate copyright byline and do not alter the content.

I Hope You Never Lose Your Sense of Wonder.

There's so many things I seriously cannot wait for!

But I hate always waiting. Then that super exciting thing comes and passes and I find something else, yet again, to begin waiting for. How in the world does one find the balance between planning for the upcoming, but not waiting so much for it that you forget how to fully experience the present?

Dwell.

This girl I respect told me one time that I shouldn't think through scenarios that would probably never happen because it can just be damaging to you because real life never goes according to the way we'd like to have it planned. That was a few years ago, I don't remember exactly, but ever since then I have trained myself to not dream up impossible situations I'd spend forever wishing were possible. It was probably hard at first, but now it's easy. But, almost too easy. I can't help but wonder if there is a point to which it becomes a little unhealthy. To push and shove your natural thought process out of the way. You'd think it would free your mind, and in a lot of ways, I actually think it has. I definitely don't regret my decision to guard my heart by guarding my thoughts, but I just wonder if there is a point where discipline can become extremist.
Maybe, maybe not. This is such a random little thing, but all is fair in love and balance ;)

Even If You Guessed, I'd Lie and Say I'm Fine

You are so strong. If you hadn't told me, I couldn't have known. When your whole family is breaking down around you, you're the only one who is holding it together.
Your situation is unique to me. I've never been in it myself, but tonight there was some thing bold about your own vulnerability.
I just want to tell you that it's okay to not be okay. Be patient with me, I might not understand everything, but I'll be here for you.

You asked if I could tell. Honestly, no.
I noticed how you seemed distracted, but I couldn't put down my pride for half a second to see that you might be hurting and need me a lot more than I needed you.
Girl, you've shown me and taught me far more than I ever would have imagined. There's a certain amount of petty things which have recently guarded my heart from love that melt away and make it possible again.
You trusted me with things that you try desperately to not even think of.

All I want to do is encourage you. Strive for the end of the storm. You'll make it through this roughest time. You'll come out better, and stronger, and happier.

All my love.

When the Music Fades, All is Stripped Away...

You know, I think it's very easy to get caught up in the negativity of this world. I find my heart robbed of joy and replaced with insecurities. The importance of surrounding myself with supportive people is becoming more and more apparent with the exciting news of NET Australia and as grad approaches. I know that I won't possibly be able to stay in contact with every person I know now. It's sad, but I'm fully aware that each one of them has taught me something and I'll be taking away a much greater sense of self and a certain appreciation for the way my life has unfolded.

Things with friends are complicated. All this small town "he said, she said."

Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song.

It's this exciting, joyous occasion and I just feel this overwhelming feeling of sadness. Why did she have to give up? And why can't I accept that she's allowed to mess up. My sadness is her sadness and my pain is hers...but I don't even know all of it.
Her insecurities have stolen her happiness. I would never dream of that happening to me, but why does it have to be part of her cross to bear?
I'm sad that I can't sleep. Most of all, I'm sad because I'm sad. And I can't even decide why. It's like, all this has been given to me and I am so incredibly undeserving, but maybe I need to decide my worth in this. Not the sadness, but the blessings I've been given. One day it will all be crystal clear. Every question I have will be answered, but until that day of the first day of the rest of my eternity, I have a very specific purpose to fulfill. I know that forsure. I have that little star to be my guide. I truthfully don't know where I'm going and I'm not sure that I've been given even a little glimpse of the result. It's a hard thing to trust. But to trust is what I absolutely must do.

She's very in touch, I feel like, with the world around her, but at the same time, she talks of things beyond this world. At first I may have been jealous, but really, the person that she is is an attractive personality and I love her for the person that she is. And the person in which she's becoming. I proud to call her my friend. And now this is beginning to drift to being about two or three different people.

It's Easter, Christ is risen! Joy is what we have been given and I've got to receive this love and mercy given without condition. It's actually so hard for me to wrap my head around. I think, more than anything, I need to forget my head and focus on wrapping my heart around this mystery. But then again, that's just the thing...mystery is not meant to be understood.
I wanna know You like that.

I'll Beg God To Change Your Mind

I just want to cry for you,
Get on my knees and pray for you.
I'll beg God to change your mind,
And show you what makes real love.
To protect, to trust, to hope, to persevere,
Love never fails...

You're caught up in the lust of the gift,
That can only be given in its purest form.
I hope you wake up and realize you're scared.
Hear that little voice you suppress, screaming "oh you're not ready yet."

How can you push, push us away?
You're running from the people who care.
I think you're probably lonely over there,
But I guess I wouldn't even know. It's tempting, oh please don't give in.

You are of infinite value, can't you see your worth?
No, it's refused by walls that ignorance built.

He's Not Finished With Me Yet. . .

It is only because of the vigorous bridge built between the mind and the heart that we can be able to conceive that we are of inestimable worth. Even then, that worth can be forgotten in a blink.
What is your story? What is mine?
I used to think that I never even had a story. Of course I had moments of immense conversion, but none even remotely close to that of St. Paul's or many other fascinating and captivating stories I have been privileged to hear and sometimes even witness.
Let me tell you about fear. I know that in my life, fear has both made me afraid of what others might think, and it has left me absolutely empty and desperate with the need for a relationship with God.
It has become all the more apparent that while I've always had faith to guide my steps, my story is barely just beginning.
The struggles in my life, although small in comparison to some, are of incredible value when offered for the conversion of hearts.
When concerning the plans you make for your life, God sees them as good, but He says, "you are meant to do better."
So no, I can't tell you a specific starting place in my relationship with Christ, but I can tell you that I have come to approach every day in the same way - empty and desperate to be filled with God's love that I continuously long to share.

God, give me the willingness to want and desire to do Your will.

This is my humble prayer..it's all I have.