I Dreamed a Dream of Times Gone By

Tonight I was ready to cry in public. 

Singing at St. Peter's is something I've cried over before...when I was ten years old. We had just moved into the parish and I was ballistic over the fact that there was a children's choir. Well, my heart was set - the first thing I was going to do was join that choir. 

I cried when I showed up at the beginning of practice with my mom and was told I couldn't join. 

It was mid-way through December and too close to Christmas for me to learn all of the songs they had been practicing. 

Needless to say, first thing after Christmas, I joined the children's choir. I enjoyed every second of it. I was bold and unashamed of standing out. I sang many solos and, given the chance, I would have volunteered it sing them all. 

After years, my time in that choir was over, and the demand birthed the St. Peter's youth choir. Besides some confusion of direction and vision - as is expected with an idea that comes from passion and not a ton of thought - I absolutely loved going to choir. I loved being able to push the boundaries of liturgical music ministry into a more youthful and charismatic adventure. I loved that the youth found a beautiful place of service. I loved being passionate about something. I loved the experience of recording a professional CD.

This choir is what I think kept me coming to mass every week with out fail during my "discovering myself" adolescent years in which mass moves from being an expectation to being a choice. 

Then I went away to australia. 

This is where things change leading to tonight..

The anyone-can-join mentalitied youth choir took a different direction into what it is now. To encourage commitment and a higher standard of music (and, I'm sure, other motives that are not completely clear to me), the choir became an audition-only band. 

They're very good and an incredibly talented group made up of my closest friends in the community.

I guess that's what makes it so hard. I have a problem in my heart with the exclusive nature of the group (#thereisaidit), but everything passionate inside of me aches to be able to sing for the Lord. 

Just like that bright-eyed ten year old girl, my heart is set. 

I don't know what to do.