Demand More From Yourself Then Anyone Ever Expects

I was contemplating going to sleep or pulling an all-nighter to do homework, but then I decided against both and figured I should put my thoughts causing my sleeplessness into words for anyone in the world with access to a computer and the ability to steal someones wifi to read...but probably won't.

You know, I look around and I seem to see people who live care-free and unabsorbed by the questions of "am I truthful?" "am I humble?" "am I doing everything I can?" ... "am I good enough?" Lately my world has been that of a trench of lukewarmness (I hate that word) I can climb myself out and the joy I am able to feel at that moment becomes indescribable with words, but still 1/100th of an even greater joy I have yet to know. My definition of hope, if anyone ever asked, would be something like that.
It's weird..and hard to explain. If this is what they call "falling apart," I will deny it every time!

Jealousy has always been prevalent in our society's incapability to be grateful for what we have. I struggle with it too. In comparison to other people, how do I measure up? Am I doing enough? I can't even count how many times I consciously or sub-consciously ask myself that question. Am I doing enough? I've always had a heart for giving, but I wonder, will I ever know the satisfaction that I'm doing enough or is that not meant to be? Is the yearning to always do more the driving force that makes a proactive personality? I sure hope so!
I've been described as an introvert with extrovert qualities. That's completely correct, I think. Yes, I would much rather sit behind this computer screen sharing my thoughts for complete strangers to read than actually go out and meet people, but that's just the thing, yeah I have to force myself to be out-going and enthusiastic and, psychologically, it wears. me. out. But! If that is what the "heart of a missionary" or a "proactive spirit" or a "witness of love" entails..I will put in the work that apparently comes naturally to others.
Re-evaluating the life I have and saying 'yes, it will be hard and you might have to put in more than you think you're capable of sometimes' is not exactly ..motivating, but it is necessary.

Knowing who I am is one thing, but knowing I am loved, with all my flaws, big as I may make them, is a story my soul hasn't completed writing yet. Life is a process. A bitter-sweet process. One I wish I could speed up and one that I need not waste another second of.

"It's not love that is blind, but jealousy."